A Pain Unspoken
by Damaged Ghost of an Angel
Summary: He keeps his pain held inside, hiding it from everyone.
1. Chapter 1

A Pain Unspoken

By: Dark Hearted Shinobi

Disclaimer: Don't own Saiyuki

Chapter One

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"Gojyo?" The smooth feminine voice purrs smoothly through the half-light, startling me slightly.

"Yeah, babe?" I reply, pulling the cigarette from my lips, blowing the smoke towards the ceiling. I tap the ash out in the ashtray beside the bed, looking down at the girl curled beside me, the blankets covering both of our bodies, nude under the warm covers.

"What are these scars from?"

Her question confuses me for a moment, then I smirk. Most girls ask me about my scars. I have so many of them. The scars on my cheek from my mother. The faint scar above my heart where Sanzo shot the plant Chin Yeso hit me with. Several scars from fighting. I have many scars. I start to answer her when I realize which scars she is fingering, asking me about.

A series of small, white scars, located high on both my legs, running from my hip joint to nearly a fourth of the way down my thigh, straight, neatly lined up.

"Those? Oh. Those are. . . nothing. Just scars from my childhood." I lie.

She looks up at me, her dark eyes burning with questions. I stamp out my cigarette, then grab her face, pulling her into a kiss. She replies to the kiss passionately, her hands straying up my chest. My large hands stray down her bare back, plunging beneath the blankets, rubbing her tight ass. I got a good girl tonight. We're presently stopped for the night and this time, we were lucky enough to each get our own rooms. I had gone out early, looking for a chick and soon found the one I was currently bedding. I feel myself stiffening, then I flip our positions so she's on the bottom. Her black hair spreads out on the pillow as she smiles up at me, her eyes burning with the expectation. I smirk and start doing what I do best, enjoying the moans that escape from behind her full red lips.

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The next morning, she leaves early and I am left alone, satisfied for now. I lay on my back, smoking again. I remember the question from last night, sitting up, shoving the blankets back. I look down at the white scars, running a finger over one of the lines of scars. I remember when I first started sliding the knife through my own skin. I was eight and had realized that my mother wanted me dead. I wanted to commit suicide, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, not after watching my parents kill themselves. So I slit the skin high on my leg instead, knowing it was the one place no one looked. The girls I would bed saw them, but they didn't care. Hell, those girls didn't care about much as long as the pay and sex were good. For some, they didn't care what you looked like as long as the pay was good. I think. . . perhaps that my "chasing skirt," as Hakkai would say, is another form of cutting. I don't want a relationship. . . and yet I do. I don't really know why I do it. I talked to Hakkai about it once and he said that it was because of the torn relationship between my mother and me. I don't know though. A soft knock on my door provides a welcome interruption from my thoughts. "Yeah?"

"Gojyo, if you're ready, we're eating breakfast and leaving." Hakkai's voice comes through the wood of my door.

"Got it. I'll be out in a second."

"All right. We'll be downstairs. I'll order for you."

"Thanks. Keep the damn monkey away from it!" I reply. I hear Hakkai's laugh, then receding footsteps. I dress quickly, each item of clothing hiding more scars, becoming something like an armor against the rest of the world. I check my reflection in the mirror, smirk, then grab my pack and head downstairs to join the rest of my group.

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Um. . . I have no idea what this is supposted to be. It's just drabble. I'm having a really bad day and just needed to get some stuff out, so I sat down and this is what came out. Sorry if it makes no sense and if it sucks. But I hope someone likes it. Please review if you found this even slightly enjoyable. If you like it, I have three more chapters. Let me know what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

A Pain Unspoken

By: Dark Hearted Shinobi

Chapter Two

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I sit on the bed of the room I am currently sharing with Goku. He's out with Hakkai somewhere, probably bribing the man to buy him food. Hakkai's too soft hearted. I laugh to myself, the laughter soon dying. I sigh, heading into the bathroom, stripping quickly, turning on the shower. As soon as the water is the right tempature, I step under the stream. Although I act like I don't like the water, I actually love it. I used to scrub my hair as hard as I could, trying to wash the red out. I even dyed my hair once. I wanted it to come out black, so Mother would accept me, but I messed up with the dye and ended up turning my hair green. Jein laughed at me for a straight ten minutes. I smile slightly, lathering soap into my blood red locks. After I wash it out, I pick up the knife I had brought into the shower with me. I raise it above the skin on my leg, then plunge it down, striking another red line through my tanned skin, slicing a new scar under one straight line of scars. The pain that shoots through my leg is brief, but welcome. It reminds me I'm alive. I wait until the blood stops flowing, then step out of the shower, toweling off. I pull my boxers on, standing in front of the mirror, studying my appearance. There is a fading bruise around my left eye and small cuts littering my arms and chest. I look down at my thigh, where the blood is soaking through the cloth of my boxers. I sigh, heading into the room, rummaging in my bag for my bandages. I lay a few squares of gauze on the gashes, taping them down. I watch to make sure the blood doesn't soak through the gazue as well, then rummage in my bag again, pulling out a clean set of clothes, pulling them on. I can hear shouting from the room next door and smile a bit, laying down on my bed, hooking my hands behind my head. The door opens and light footsteps I identify as Goku's come through the door. I shut my eyes, rolling onto my side, facing the wall, my back to him pretending to be asleep. The monkey walks to his bed, sitting down on it. I can feel him watching me and I roll onto my back, looking over at him, cracking an eye. "What do you want, monkey? I'm trying to sleep."

"I'm not a monkey." He mumbles automatically, stripping off his armor and outer shirt, then he flops back onto the bed, rolling on his side, staring at me.

I struggle not to smirk. "Well, what do you want, then? Some food?"

"What makes you think I want something?"

"'Cause you're staring at me like I've grown a second head."

Goku stays silent for several minutes, then frowns slightly. "What's wrong?"

"What do you mean?"

"Something's wrong with you. What is it?"

"Nothing. What makes you think something's wrong?"

"You're going to bed. It's really early." Goku replies. "And you didn't really fight with me tonight at dinner."

"I'm tired. I mean, we got attacked like a dozen times today. Don't these damn demons have something better to do with their lives?" I roll onto my side, turning my back to him. "Good night monkey."

"Not a monkey." I hear him mutter, making me smile as I struggle to sleep. I soon hear Goku's soft snores and I shake my head, rolling onto my back. I frown up at the darkened ceiling. I light a cigarette, smoking it, blowing the smoke towards the ceiling, trying to relax. My mind runs over the conversation with Goku. There is something wrong with me, but I don't even know what it is. I frown in the darkness, stubbing out my cig. I continue to stare at the ceiling for several long hours, my mind running over memories I wish I could forget, until finally, the call of sleep grabs me, pulling me into the black world that offers me comfort.

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Well. . . there's chapter two! Hope it's as nice as chapter one. Thank you to Camaleao for the lovely review!!


	3. Chapter 3

A Pain Unspoken

By: Dark Hearted Shinobi

Chapter 3

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"Gojyo! What happened?" Hakkai asks, his worried voice slicing through my dreams.

My eyes snap open as I start awake, staring up at him. "What?"

"Your leg. You're bleeding." He replies, his voice slightly softer.

I blink a few times, then follow his pointing finger to where the blood is soaking through the cloth of my jeans. "Oh that. . . wound from earlier."

Hakkai frowns at me and I know he has caught me in a lie. "I bandaged all of your wounds and you did not have any in that place."

I sigh, leaning my head back on the wall I've been sleeping against. I look down at the bandages wrapped around my chest, frowning to myself. We've just gotten back from a fight with a man who calls himself 'Kami-sama' and there is not one among us who is not badly wounded. Sanzo is unconscious, Goku is nowhere to be found, and only Hakkai and I are left, awake and alone. "I fell."

"You are lying." Hakkai says, his voice dropping in tone. I recognize the tone, as he's used it on me before. It is the tone that says 'do not lie to me or expect pain.' I sigh again, shaking my head. Hakkai sits beside me, frowning, his green eyes narrowed in a glare, searching my face. "Gojyo."

"Fine." I growl, standing. "Come with me."

He follows me to my room, where I strip my jeans, rolling up the cuff of my boxers to where a series of new gashes lies under the scars of the old wounds. I don't feel awkward with Hakkai seeing me in my boxers, afterall, we are roommates and I sometimes forgot about him and would walk out in just boxers. Hakkai frowns at the gashes, then the frown deepens as he sees the white scars above them, disappearing under the cloth of my boxers. "Gojyo, what have you done?"

"It's my way of dealing with things. Don't tell me it's wrong, Hakkai. I don't want to hear that. I don't care about any of that. Just let me do it and let me have my way in this."

Hakkai opens his mouth to say something, then shuts it, looking at me with eyes full of understanding. Well. . . it's more like one eye full of understanding. "All right. But at least let me take care of the wounds. It wouldn't do to let Goku know you hurt yourself."

"Fine. Do whatever." I growl, half expecting Hakkai to heal them with his chi. However, he stands, walking to his pack, taking out a package of gauze, a roll of tape and some ansepetic. I watch him as he comes back over, spreading antiseptic on the wounds, making me hiss, then spreads gauze over them, taping them down. I pull my jeans back on, unable to stop the small smile that crosses my lips. "Thanks Hakkai."

"Of course." He smiles back, replacing the stuff from his bag. He walks to the doorway, turning when he is almost in the hall. "Gojyo, don't forget. Goku looks up to you as his older brother. Remember that."

I open my mouth to reply, but he is already gone. I gotta remember to tell him thanks again. I wonder if he knows that those words mean more to me than anything else he could have said. He probably does. After all, he seems to know everything. I grin, shaking my head, standing slowly, determined to buy more smokes, since I'm out. Maybe. . . as the scars of my wounds heal, I will heal. Maybe someday, I can truly be whole. Until then, I'll just live so one day, I can die laughing.

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Well. . . that's it! Unless I get asked for more, I shall end here.

And many, many, many, many, many, many, *gasp* many thanks to Camaleao for the reviews! They make me feel like there's a point to writing!


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